


Wrecked and Reborn

by illegal_deer



Category: Next to Normal - Kitt/Yorkey
Genre: Broadway, Comfort/Angst, Drug Use, Family Drama, musical theatre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 08:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20739182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illegal_deer/pseuds/illegal_deer
Summary: A man was facing her, leaned against her wall. He didn’t look much older than her, blond hair, blue eyes, and smirking in a sort of cocky way that would have been annoying if she were sober and was absolutely infuriating since she wasn’t. She had never seen him before in her life but she knew. Of course she knew. Who the fuck else would it be. Who the fuck else. She could feel her body starting to crack open and devour itself.“Hi, Natalie.”





	Wrecked and Reborn

The first time it was because she was angry. And if she were to be honest, that was probably her biggest flaw; when she got pissed off she acted on impulse and always did stupid shit. Stupid shit like scream at her dad, or push Henry away, or intentionally blow her piano recital.

Stupid shit like steal her mom’s medications and take them herself, just to see what it was like.

And at first it was fine. It was more than fine, actually. Henry warned her that she was losing control, but that was what she wanted. Her whole life had been about maintaining control to balance out her mother’s chaos; now there was a chaos that belonged to her for once. Her own sort of insanity. And the ownership she felt over these moments became more of a high than the drugs themselves.

But then it changed.

Her mother had gotten back from her treatments and she couldn’t remember shit. And Natalie was fucking pissed. All she had wanted for so long was for her mom to finally acknowledge her instead of him, and now she couldn’t even remember who the fuck she was. She was so angry she felt sick.

She was reckless when she partied, sure, and she knew that Henry thought that her benders had absolutely no forethought, but that wasn’t the case at all. She wasn’t dumb; she knew there were certain pills that didn’t mix well with each other or with alcohol. So she avoided those combinations. After all, she wasn’t looking to do serious damage to herself. She was just looking for the high.

She classified the highs in two groups: feel everything highs and feel nothing highs. And she knew what she needed to take to achieve each one. So every night she’d decide which high she was looking for and pick her pills to fit that. She’d put them all in a little baggie and take them with her; by the end of the night she might not remember exactly what she had taken but she’d know it was safe because sober Natalie had carefully picked everything out earlier. Even at her most reckless she couldn’t shake her need for precision. She’d joke to herself that she was the most organized druggie around.

But the night her mother returned she was too goddamn angry to think about shit like death or permanent brain damage, so she didn’t monitor what she took. And she took everything. She didn’t give a fuck what; she just knew that to fight off her rage and her pain and her mom’s chaos, she would need a high bigger and more overwhelming than anything she had experienced before.

She made it to the party before realizing that she was in for more than she had bargained for.

She started out ricochetting rapidly between feeling numb and feeling every human emotion simultaneously. The effect was dizzying, and the swirling lights weren’t helping. She stumbled to the bathroom and braced herself against the sink. She wanted to splash water on her face, but she was too scared to touch the water as if just that would be enough to drown her. Instead, she tried to focus on the coolness of the sink beneath her hands. She looked up, made eye contact with herself in the mirror, and froze.

She was no longer ricochetting between feeling nothing any feeling everything. No, now her brain was split in two. The back of her head was void, floating into some unreachable realm beyond even the numbness and nothingness she was used to. And the front of her head was screaming and stuttering in a way that felt, well, manic. Even the thought of that word sent her reeling. No no no no no. This was not the chaos she was seeking. She had two brains and nowhere was safe.

Natalie had no idea how she made it home. As soon as she opened the door, she completely forgot everything between that moment and the bathroom. Maybe she called Henry to drive her. Maybe she walked. Maybe she fucking flew. In this moment each of those options seemed equally likely but none of them mattered; she was home now and she could pass out in her bed and maybe maybe maybe feel safe. But as soon as she stumbled into her room she realized how wrong she was.

She was not alone.

A man was facing her, leaned against her wall. He didn’t look much older than her, blond hair, blue eyes, and smirking in a sort of cocky way that would have been annoying if she were sober and was absolutely infuriating since she wasn’t. She had never seen him before in her life but she knew. Of course she knew. Who the fuck else would it be. Who the fuck else. She could feel her body starting to crack open and devour itself.

“Hi, Natalie.”

His voice was smooth and sure in a way she knew her voice never was even on her best days. She would fucking kill him but he was already dead. “You’re home late. I was starting to get worried.”

“Like fuck you were.” It came out as a snarl, and the man raised his eyebrows.

“Hey, calm down. I’m just trying to watch out for you. I’m your big brother. That’s my job.” He reached out to put his hand on her shoulder and she smacked it away, slightly alarmed when she was able to do so without her hand going straight through his.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Okay, okay.” He lifted his hands up and took a step back. “But no offense, you look like hell. Wanna talk?”

“Uh, let me think...no. Not fucking really.”

“Are you sure?” He sat down on her bed.

“Oh, please, make yourself right at home.”

“Come on. You look like you need to talk. And honestly, I’m kind of bored right now.”

“Why is that? Because my mom’s forgotten all about you so you’re at a loss of people to torment?”

“Our mom. And I wasn’t tormenting her.”

“Really? You weren’t? Because she tried to kill herself so...”

“I wasn’t trying to torment her.” His voice was softer, and he looked almost sad.

“Then what were you trying to do, exactly?”

“I just wanted her to come with me.” He paused and looked down at his lap. “I was lonely.”

Natalie felt a pang of sorrow for him. She wanted to blame her sudden bought of sympathy on the drugs, but jesus christ he looked sad. There was something almost endearing about him. Of course he was also insufferable and he had ruined her entire life. And yet she found him much harder to hate now than she did before when he was more of an abstract concept than someone who was once a human being.

“You were lonely?” She instinctively sat down beside him, no longer quite so intent on distancing herself.

“Well, obviously. I’m alone all the time. And you and Dad never notice me.” He paused. “I guess Mom doesn’t notice me now either.”

“You’re upset she doesn’t notice you now?” Natalie scoffed. “She never noticed me. She only cared about you. Do you know what she did after we had to move because of the fire?”

He looked at her blankly.

“She resembled your room. She literally made a nursery in our new house for you. You’re dead. Do you know how fucked that is? She never once helped me with my new room. No, she spent all her damn making a nursery for someone who didn’t even exist. And Dad didn’t help me either because he was too busy freaking out over mom who was freaking out over you. Maybe no one notices you now but no one has ever noticed me.”

“I notice you.”

Natalie froze. “What? No you don’t.”

“Yes I do! You’re my sister! Of course I do. I talk to you sometimes, or do things to try to get your attention. You just don’t notice. Honestly, sometimes I’m kind of an asshole to you. But that’s what brothers are for.”

“Huh.” Natalie thought about this. “I mean, I’m not totally sure if you count, no offense. But I guess it’s kinda cool.” She looked over towards him and noticed he seemed oddly nervous. It seemed like a drastic mood change from his arrogant demeanor just a few minutes ago. (Had it been a few minutes? She had no idea. Time seemed to be expanding and contracting in an odd sort of way and Natalie remembered how thoroughly fucked up she was, a fact that had seemingly slipped her mind which was strange considering she was literally conversing with her dead brother.) Before she could ask him what was wrong, he spoke up.

“Uh, I should tell you something.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not proud of this at all. But I was angry and hurt because you and Dad had told Mom I wasn’t real. And I was scared that maybe since she knew this she wouldn’t love me anymore and would only pay attention to you. So I, uh, put her pills near you. For you to find. And possibly take.”

Natalie’s thoughts turned to mush. “Wait wait wait...”

“I’m really sorry Natalie. If I had known how far things would go I never would have done it. Please believe me.”

“That’s not the issue here. I do stupid shit out of anger all the time, and besides I took the drugs. I did that. You just put them near me, but I made that choice. My question is how the fuck did you put them near me?”

He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t move things. You’re a hallucination.”

“No I’m not.” The smirk was back and she could almost hate him again.

“Yes, yes you are. Mom sees you because she has psychotic episodes and I’m seeing you right now because I’m high out of my mind.”

“It’s really not that simple.”

“Then you’re what? A ghost?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what?”

He shrugged. “A little bit of all of that. A lot of none of that.”

“Look I am way too high right now for you to start talking in riddles.”

“I guess I’m not totally sure what I am honestly. I know hallucination and ghost are both too simple but not entirely untrue. But I can’t see for sure what I am and what I’m not.”

Natalie sighed in frustration. This was going nowhere and her head was splitting open. She pushed her fingers against the bridge of her nose, trying to hold her head together. “Fuck.”

“Woah, are you okay?”

“I don’t...I don’t know.” The shock of seeing her brother had made her head clear a bit, but that shock was wearing off and her high was returning with a vengeance. The room began to tilt and she found herself leaning on her brother to try to stay upright.

“Jesus, Natalie. You’re really fucked up.”

Her head was swimming. She could feel the two sections of her brain reconnecting than disconnecting again. “Why are you here? Why are you here?” The words felt heavy and too big for her lips.

“Because I’m your brother. And I exist in that place where your brain has broken in two.” He sounded far away but she could still feel the warmth of his shoulder against hers. Why is he warm? He should be cold. He’s dead.

Her throat was closing. “Gabe...” Was she crying? She was crying.

Before she could process what was happening Gabe had pulled her close and was hugging her tightly. She found herself crying into his shoulder.

“You said my name.” His voice was broken in fifteen different places. “No one ever says my name.” Was he crying? He was crying.

They held each other, and she felt like he was squeezing her back together, like the divide in her brain was slowly shrinking.

—-

When she woke up sometime the next afternoon, Natalie could feel her body rebelling against her immediately. She heard her phone vibrate on the table next to her and reached for it so that she could respond to what was undoubtedly a message from a very worried Henry asking if she were alive.

She paused when her hand bumped against something cold and heavy. A glass of water sat on her table next to her phone. She grabbed it, grateful, and drank. Had I put it there last night at some point? But no, that was impossible, the water was still freezing. She called out for her parents. Maybe one of them had put it there? But there was no response.

She was alone.

Foggy memories began to resurface from last night. Could it be that he had left that water there for her? Part of her wanted to believe it was impossible, but most of her wanted to believe it was true.

He did notice her.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this during a manic episode at like 3am. I'm sorry Gabe is definitely super out of character but also his personality varies based on who he's interacting with anyway so whatever. Also sorry if Natalie's highs are completely off base but I've never done hard drugs so they're more or less based on how I experience mania. Maybe I'll be making this into a series? Who knows. Not me. I just really love this musical and I really love these characters and they make me feel whole and seen and emotional.


End file.
